I’m really just an idiot.

I wish I could just die. I wish I could fall off of the planet or sink into the earth, never to emerge again. I’m in anguish, this just isn’t fair. 

can I go back and erase my feelings for Mac? can I pretend that the last 5 year were non-existent? I can’t stand hurting myself over and over again. I can’t get away, he has my heart, he has my soul. 

I think the only one who understands is Katie, but I don’t think even she knows the extent of love I feel.

I feel like dying. Put me out of this misery.

My immortal

A simple sad piano piece by evanescence. weird how this song evokes so much emotion in me that I can’t stand to listen to it more than once. usually I break down in tears or hold back my crying because I’m in the presence of others. I know people don’t remember my strong memory associated with the song, I know people don’t understand it’s deeper meaning to me. One of my most vivid memories includes this sorry melody.

It was 8th grade, I was only 14 years old. I was at the long awaited 8th grade dinner dance, dressed up for a dance for the first time in a tee length black dress the featured baby pink polka dots. I felt oh so pretty and I was oh so happy feeling oh so grown up. There was only one upset to the evening, and it ripped out my heart at the time. He was tall, lanky, had white blonde hair and a smile filled with metal but I thought he was so cute. I wanted to be Tyler’s date to the dance, but my “friend” had taken him from me. I was, not for the only time, dateless at the dance while the boy I liked had another girl at his side.

I remember at our cafeteria turned cruise ship dance, that they didn’t play a lot of slow songs. It seemed to be party all the time. Then I remember perfectly, standing at the edge of the dance floor partying when suddenly “my immortal” lulled out of the speakers. I saw Kristen draw Tyler close, seemingly on purpose, right in front of me. I walked off to sit in one of the hard maroon seats outlining the dance floor. I stared over at my friends all slow dancing with their dates, and took a particularly long glance over at Tyler. Tears started to prickle the back of my eyes and soon little tears were escaping me. Suddenly, a hand reached out in front of my blurring eyes and I looked up to see to whom the hand belonged, it was none other than Mac. He had a sympathetic look in his eyes and said nothing, so I nodded and took his hand. We swayed back and forth just a couple dancing 8th graders away from Kristen and Tyler and I glanced over at them at first, envious I was still not with Tyler. Then something pulled me out of my longing gaze, I heard a beautiful voice softly singing down at me and I turned back and looked up into Mac’s eyes. It was the first time I felt safe with Mac. I had a warm feeling inside that I never felt for Tyler, I was okay. I held Mac tighter and smiled contentedly.

When the song came to an end and I was brought back to reality, I can still see in my mind’s eye, Samantha, in her pink dress, gushing about how lucky I was that I danced with Mac. I let go of Mac’s shoulders immediately, embarrassed that I had just danced in public with a boy. Did everyone know what I was thinking? Did they feel what I felt? Did they know that suddenly Tyler didn’t matter anymore? Did they knew that I now had a crush on Mac? I didn’t say anything and walked back to our table and took a drink of pop just to not feel so exposed.

That was the beginning of a lot of hurt and shit in my life. Mac started it. My immortal chronicles it. It started a war with Sarah, It started a battle with myself. The war with Sarah may be over five years later, and of course I survived, but I did not emerge without battle scars and to this day I still wrestle and war with myself over him. Over Mac, a mere boy who, once upon a time, saved me from loneliness and hurt by dancing with me. He was and still is worth it to me though. He is worth my own life. I do, however, wish that 19 year old me could tell 14 year old me to be careful, to not trust so easily, to not play with my heart so foolishly. I would never wish Mac out of my life, no matter how many tears he caused, documented here and in various diaries. Mac will continue to be one of the best people in my life. He still brings me so much light and happiness. Even if we never end up together in the end as I want, I will always love him and he will always be in my heart. All of this starting with a simple dance to a little slow song, be careful, 14 year old self, the simplest things can change your life forever. 

I can’t breathe.

I think Mac asked me on a date.

I want to cry. I’m shaking. My heart is pounding.

I must be dreaming. This can’t be real.

I’m speechless. I never knew.

It’s been a stressful night…I more or less told Mac I was going to stop eating again.
I told him about my eating issue. and then he says

“I know, I do the same except with scratching…I scratch my stomach till it bleeds or at least leaves a mark for me to see”

I cried instantly. There are nights where he hurts himself. I want to save him, I want to take this away from him. It’s sad that we bond over self harm. but now we have each other more than ever. what a bittersweet moment for us. I hate that he could hurt himself. I hate that he could harm the body I cherish.

I feel this connection with Mac. More so than ever. I feel the threads of our future twining themselves closer together.

we are meant to be together in this world, I feel it in my bones. I feel it when I talk to God. I feel like tonight was, sadly, a huge step for both of us. 

Here I am. I’m nobody.

I guess the only person that matters to you is Travis. You go around telling me how disposable and used you feel, then go around and do this shit to me.

I feel disposable, used, useless, stupid, ugly, fat, unneeded.
It must be awesome to be Travis…It must be awesome to be Justin. You always take care of them. you always want them around.

I just wish I meant something to you. You treat me like shit, but I always come back…because I need you…because even though you ignore the fact, I love you. I’ll probably be the one who loves you more than anyone in this world.

I’ll love you and take care of you better than any of these boys who break you. You would think that you would realize that I’m always there to help you put yourself back together. That I’m always the one who cares about how you are doing, and things that are going on in your life. I’m your biggest fan. I’m always playing on your team. 

why can’t you love me? why can’t you act like you care about me too?

why can’t you just be half as good of a friend to me as I am to you?

I let it slip last night.

It was said in a casual tone of voice but it rolled out of my lips so naturally I couldn’t stop it once I realized what was coming out of my mouth.

looking out the front of the car, laughing and sing, I said “I love you, Mac”. I think he thought it was done in a joking friend way…but I know that I meant it as more than that. It came out so smoothly, like, “I love you, Mac” is something I should be saying everyday. 

I think fandoms are my drug.

I get obsessed with things easily. The more I feel things are falling apart in my life, the more I latch on to something that can’t hurt me. Something I can love without regrets and guilt.

When things spiral out of control I don’t drink or do drugs, I don’t cut….sometimes I starve myself….but I just absorb myself into a book. I start to obsess to shut out the things I can’t handle. I would much rather hear about Peeta and Katniss, Harry Potter, or Edward and Bella, anything is better than real life. These books I read and love keep me happy, they keep me moving on when everything is wrong.

My pawpaw has heart failure. He needs a special diet, but he refuses it. It makes my mawmaw yell and cry everyday. My mom might loose her job. That makes her cry. We have no money. My aunts and uncles buy our groceries because we can’t. I’m a full time student. I feel like I’ve lost my friends. I worry about Mac everyday. 

With books though, this all goes away for a moment. I’m somewhere else for a moment.

what about Josh Hutcherson? He helps me get out my emotions of love. I’ve loved mac since 8th grade. I need a way I can let everything out, so I obsess over Josh. Loving Josh is painless. I don’t have to try, I just look at stuff online and fangirl. He doesn’t have to know I exist, but I can love him out loud to keep my sanity about Mac. 

I don’t know if anybody else does this or not. It would be nice to know I’m not alone. It just makes me upset when people judge me for obsessing over things. It’s like, they have NO idea what I’m going through. They have no idea that Sailor Moon or Hermione Granger is keeping me from going under. They have no idea that this is my natural way of coping. I get an unexplainable high from these obsessions that I can’t help. Though I know that’s not normal, I know it’s probably healthier than weed or crack. 

Mac, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please talk to me.

I can’t take this misery. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick. so so sick. I’ve never thought about suicide like this before. I never thought I’d be led to feel like this. I’ve never felt so alone.

all I did was care. all I did was want the best for you. all I did was love you. all I did was put you before myself.

I hope one day you are able to see all the things I did for you. your mom is right, I am your biggest fan. I always will be. I always help you. always. Maybe you’ll be married. Maybe you’ll have kids. Maybe you’ll be old and successful by the time you realize it.

I’ve loved you more than any one in this world, minus your own mother and this is how I am thanked? this is how I am regarded?

I want to be numb. I want to sleep. I want to die.

I can’t take this feeling. 

I think he knows…………

that I talked to his mom. It wasn’t to betray him, it wasn’t to rat him out. It’s because I care and I’m worried and I love him more than myself.

I feel sick. I want to lay down and sleep forever. I want to redo last night. I want to cry because I think I’ve lost him. I feel like I’ve died. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen. Someone who won’t judge or get annoyed because I am talking about him. I’ve never felt like so much shit. and it’s all Justin’s fault. I fucking hate him.

I just want my Mac back.

I hope I can make you better.

I hope I can make you see that there is life beyond Justin, Mac. Justin is the biggest douche bag. He dropped you so fast and he’s not coming back. I want you to see though, that I love you. I’ve basically done everything I can for you. I’ve stuck like glue to your side because I love you and I don’t want to loose you, I want to see you though this because I know you can make it through. You are so great Mac. Don’t let this hick ruin you. 

I’m glad I could make you smile before I left Jake’s party tonight. That smile lit my soul alight. I finally realize what super massive black hole has been saying. That was the rawest most genuine smile of yours I have ever seen. I hope you take my advice to heart though. Thinking positive keeps me from falling into the pit of depression that I know is there. Your smile is keeping me away from depression now. I think it’s going to stay in my mind for the rest of my life, no matter how far we end up apart. I will always remember you laying on your futon, curled up, still in your jacket with your hair a mess and just breaking out into a brilliant smile.