January 2012
2 posts
I'm really just an idiot.
I wish I could just die. I wish I could fall off of the planet or sink into the earth, never to emerge again. I’m in anguish, this just isn’t fair.
can I go back and erase my feelings for Mac? can I pretend that the last 5 year were non-existent? I can’t stand hurting myself over and over again. I can’t get away, he has my heart, he has my soul.
I think the only one who...
My immortal
A simple sad piano piece by evanescence. weird how this song evokes so much emotion in me that I can’t stand to listen to it more than once. usually I break down in tears or hold back my crying because I’m in the presence of others. I know people don’t remember my strong memory associated with the song, I know people don’t understand it’s deeper meaning to me. One of...
December 2011
8 posts
I can't breathe.
I think Mac asked me on a date.
I want to cry. I’m shaking. My heart is pounding.
I must be dreaming. This can’t be real.
I'm speechless. I never knew.
It’s been a stressful night…I more or less told Mac I was going to stop eating again. I told him about my eating issue. and then he says
“I know, I do the same except with scratching…I scratch my stomach till it bleeds or at least leaves a mark for me to see”
I cried instantly. There are nights where he hurts himself. I want to save him, I want to take this away...
Here I am. I'm nobody.
I guess the only person that matters to you is Travis. You go around telling me how disposable and used you feel, then go around and do this shit to me.
I feel disposable, used, useless, stupid, ugly, fat, unneeded. It must be awesome to be Travis…It must be awesome to be Justin. You always take care of them. you always want them around.
I just wish I meant something to you. You treat me...
I let it slip last night.
It was said in a casual tone of voice but it rolled out of my lips so naturally I couldn’t stop it once I realized what was coming out of my mouth.
looking out the front of the car, laughing and sing, I said “I love you, Mac”. I think he thought it was done in a joking friend way…but I know that I meant it as more than that. It came out so smoothly, like, “I love...
I think fandoms are my drug.
I get obsessed with things easily. The more I feel things are falling apart in my life, the more I latch on to something that can’t hurt me. Something I can love without regrets and guilt.
When things spiral out of control I don’t drink or do drugs, I don’t cut….sometimes I starve myself….but I just absorb myself into a book. I start to obsess to shut out the things...
Mac, I'm sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please talk to me.
I can’t take this misery. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick. so so sick. I’ve never thought about suicide like this before. I never thought I’d be led to feel like this. I’ve never felt so alone.
all I did was care. all I did was want the best for you. all I did was love...
I think he knows............
that I talked to his mom. It wasn’t to betray him, it wasn’t to rat him out. It’s because I care and I’m worried and I love him more than myself.
I feel sick. I want to lay down and sleep forever. I want to redo last night. I want to cry because I think I’ve lost him. I feel like I’ve died. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen. Someone who...
I hope I can make you better.
I hope I can make you see that there is life beyond Justin, Mac. Justin is the biggest douche bag. He dropped you so fast and he’s not coming back. I want you to see though, that I love you. I’ve basically done everything I can for you. I’ve stuck like glue to your side because I love you and I don’t want to loose you, I want to see you though this because I know you can...
Mac, I couldn't live in a world without you.
I don’t think you quite realize what you did to me. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF. I thought I would wake up and hear I was in a world where you no longer lived. The things you said were not a joke. I’m still not 100% sure you won’t take your life. I’m literally worried sick, completely sick. I have a headache, constant butterflies, I feel like I’m going...
November 2011
5 posts
I'm so happy. Samantha would be so angry.
I’m so happy, so free feeling. I feel great. I haven’t felt this well, this whole, in a while. I’d forgotten how good this can feel. I no longer hate the songs on the radio, I can listen to tim mcgraw’s “my best friend” and not cry and despise it. I want to thank God, praise him, sing out his name on high! I’ve never been so thankful.
Mac is coming back...
one step closer
you are coming back to me, and me to you. Show me one inch of kindness and I am willing to go to the end of the world for you….honestly, treat me like shit and I will still go to the ends of the earth for you, but that is beyond the point. Travis isn’t your friend anymore. you’ve lost those who played best friend with you senior year and look who was still there, me. surprise,...
My drug.
I don’t know what to do Mac. I’m never getting over you am I? I’m never going to be free. I’ve done a complete 180 from where I was this summer. When I told you I was over you, it was true…for that day. I’m right back where I started. I’m addicted. I never believed in a person being like a drug for someone, but now I understand. It’s not romantic....
Ignorance is bliss.
Mac, I knew you were probably messing around with him. You can’t ever be “just friends” with a guy. I didn’t need a stranger to tell me. You don’t tell me any of this shit. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to hurt me…but I doubt it. When have you ever taken my feelings into consideration? when have you ever really seemed to care about me? I’m...
October 2011
2 posts
I never win.
College started with a bang. I was stead fast in ridding mac from my life, I was going to move on. First there was Wes, He seemed to like me and he was a gentleman. I started to focus my attention on him but he never replies to my texts. Now he has dropped our one class together. awesome. Wes, however, in my mind seemed to be becoming overshadowed by Kyle. Kyle is cute in every way possible and is...
a message to a certain person:
FUCK YOU Sarah. I can’t believe I EVER trusted you, slut. I poured out my heart to you, I told you my secrets and I called you my best friend. You backstabbing whore. I know you told Mac everything I thought about him. You turned me into a joke. You walked all over me, used me and abused me. Does that make you happy? You lied to me for years, oh you didn’t love Mac? I needed to get...
September 2011
1 post
Dear Sammy,
Thank you for being the best friend that I have had in the longest time. I feel like I’ve lost Dani, she has her serious boyfriend and they always see each other. And when he began to leave me, you stepped in. You showed me I don’t need him or really anyone else. Sammy, you showed me that a REAL friend doesn’t walk all over you, use you and make you feel stupid and useless.
I...
June 2011
4 posts
I think I've figured it out. and I think I'm...
I’m lonely. I repeated that simple phrase millions of times. bleeding it throughout all of my posts. I’ve been so confused and my heart has been very misleading. I thought that I was simply lonely. That any boy could walk into my life, tell me I’m beautiful, tell me they love me and that would be it. I would accept them willingly, let them plant kisses from my forehead to my...
I wonder if my mother knew
that when she gave birth to me that I would do wonderful things acedemically. That I would have a lovely singing voice, that I would have a talent for dancing, that I would have a passion for culture and I would never grow out of reading and horses. I wonder if she knew I would be so short but so full of life. I wonder if she knew I would love to play with computers and technology and that I would...
I never thought I would be defeated.
I think I’ve offically been defeated by love. I suffered under the chains til they broke me down. I can’t stand anymore, I can’t speak. I don’t know where to go, I don’t even know if there is a place to go. I want to curl up in my bed and never wake up, sleep in a safe cacoon where nothing can touch me, no one can hurt me again. I can’t believe this happened to...
"Are you sexually attracted to boys?...
Like I know you’re attracted to boys, but like do you ever think sex?”
I got asked this question tonight and I’m not quite sure how to take it. Do I seem that immature? Hell, I look at him almost everyday and at some point I’m thinking sex. I’m a normal hormonal teenage girl. I long for the feeling of a man’s touch more than people would think. I’ve just...
May 2011
4 posts
I've become desperate.
I’ve become needy. Lonely is running through my veins, tears are flowing on my cheeks. I’m offically a high school graduate but I’ve never had a boyfriend, or a date, or even a kiss. I want and wish for a masculine touch. A boy to hold me. I don’t know who I am anymore around boys. Within the last week I have reached out to two guys who arn’t him. So you realize how...
well tomorrow's the day.
I offically close a huge chapter in my life. I’m graduating from high school, I’m graduating from childhood. It’s kinda crazy to think that I won’t be walking the halls of my high school, seeing the same familar faces and knowing right where I am. No, next year the kid roaming those halls with my last name will be my brother. I’ve made a good name there, so he should...
I didn't see this coming
don’t let my year end like this. we were so close and now you are keeping secrets? I can’t believe you are walking away from me for a dumb bitch and a melodramatic gay boy. You are avoiding my questions, avoiding me. I didn’t know I was so disposable. Tell me why I’m not enough, tell me why I don’t deserve your presense anymore. I would lay down my life for you! I...
Prom
was a great time, but it broke me into a million little pieces inside. It hurt to stand there, trying to be beautiful for you and you just sat there following her around in her dress that looked like tie-dye threw up on it, and her back fat spilling out. Your sister told me I looked beautiful when she picked me up, she said I looked so much better than her. But I guess in the end I was never that...
April 2011
3 posts
I don't hate you.
I hate your lies. and I hate the things you hide from me. I know you are probably just trying to not hurt me. I know that you know that I like you. I know you’re deciding to play with my heart and not let me know your true feelings because you’d rather have one devoted TRUE friend than none. I know you don’t reciprocate any of my feelings so maybe I’m the stupid one,...
It's back.
That little voice in my head is back and in charge. Well, really, she never was gone. She was just laying low. She let me eat all I wanted on the cruise. She was upset with the weight I gained but let me keep going, Shoving my fat ugly face with fat and calories.
don’t worry, everything is fine now. She’s back and I feel safe and happy to hear her voice. I know she’s going to...
Lonely.
It’s pathetic, but that’s what I am. People repeatedly tell me that I’m the lucky one, to have never had someone love me. Lucky? really? Do these people realize how painful this lonelyness is? How much I wish that for once someone would reach out to me? I want to know the feeling of being in a lover’s embrace, I want to know what it’s like to have sweet nothings and...
March 2011
11 posts
“I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of...”
– “Everything you want” -Vertical Horizon
I can't make you love me
I can’t make you look into my eyes and feel something that isn’t there. But what I can’t understand is why that feeling isn’t there for you. Why can’t you love me? Why can God make me feel so strongly for one human being who will never have the same intense feeling? I wish I understood God’s plan for me, I wish I knew why he had me fall in love with you.
I...
“I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn’t my fault.
You rolled me...”
– “My Never” Blue October
A Lot of Times
I just want to take away your pain. It hurts me to see you so down.
“I want kids I just never thought I’d live that long” don’t say that. Don’t tell me such things. I want you to live a long and healthy life. A life full of learning and adventure and fun and love. I want you to grow old with me. I want to have your children as I have said so many times before. I want...
You don't even know.
you don’t see. you don’t quite understand. Are you really this blind, should I turn those colored contacts to prescription? I love you silly, silly boy. I don’t know why the idea is so hard to see, too abstract to comprehend. Do you see how we fit together? how we move together? Something like that is special, not everybody has this kind of connection. even your brother and...
Does it satisfy you to neglect the ones who care?
taylorextorture:
Do you enjoy hurting those who truly love you and care about you while you’re out whoring yourself with your new personality to those who only care about your appearance and nothing behind your looks? And do you enjoy seeing the torture the ones who care go through, and watching them writhing in heartache and watching them try to hide the pain in their eyes?
i'm heartbroken.
this must be what it really feels like. this is physically ripping away at my chest.
I want someone to hold me.
I want to never look at his face again
i want to look him in the eyes and ask why
i just don't know.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t have the answers. I don’t have things figured out. I wish I did. I wish I wasn’t breaking. I wish everything were perfect. if only I had flawless grades. If only I had a perfect body. If only I had you.
life might make more sense then.
I wish I wasn’t so wildly different from everyone. I don’t wear the coolest colthes, I...
your sister....
and one of the family. That’s what I am to you? what I wouldn’t give to be your lover. For now, I will be okay with this, for you to call me your sister I know is not a title you give lightly. I’ve actually never heard you say that to a soul before, so I’m honored. Knowing I can look into your eyes and know that you love me in some way is a blessing I’ve waited for,...
you are
my best friend and the only one I can rely on in this world anymore. I never would have imagined we’d come this far, from barely talking to hanging out on your bed together eating dinner and laughing. You are literally my most favorite person to see and talk to, and without you I don’t know where I would be. You, sir, have made senior year into something special. Because of you I have...
"It's no problem, I don't even think about it,...
thank you. Now just convince him to make that offical. I would marry him in an instant.
February 2011
10 posts
Grandma
it’s time to move on and let me grow up. I’m 18 years old, I’m going to stay out late on the weekends, I’m going to go out with my friends. I’m not just going to sit at home and color pictures while you make me lunch. As much as I wish I was five again, I’m not, and I wish you could understand. I’m growing up and it’s hard enough to realize without...
oh teacher,
I told you today. I really don’t know why I told you, maybe because somewhere inside of me a need a real man’s guidance. I don’t have a father to rely on for this sort of thing. or maybe I just need help, from someone who is older, wiser than I could ever hope to be. I’m sick of the advice I get from my peers, it gets me nowhere. You, however, I know can help me out....
“so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know”
Dear Daddy,
I love you. I really do. You are my father, how could I hate you? Why does mommy constantly tell me to not trust you, to not want to be with you, to above all hate you?
I wish you two never split up, I wanted that perfect family. I remember I was probably only 5 when I learned about devorce on TV. You and my mom acted the same way those parents did. I remember once you were fighting and I ran to...
I had the best day
with you yesterday. She let me down, she didn’t even care if I had a way home. but you were there, you turned everything around and offered for me to come with you. our performance though, was beautiful. seeing our teacher smile so big at us was just so freaking cool. and for the 1230394898342 time we had another person, a professional at that, say that we sound so great together, that our...
baby names...for my non-existant baby
I have an obsession with names so here we go!
*Laurel Mackenzie
*Alice Fae
*Kaleb Riley
*Haylee Aislinn(ash-leen)
as a side note I found out today (2/17/11) that he likes the name George for a girl. which I think is pretty freaking cute. is that weird? I said she could be called “Georgie”, frackin adorable. he was not so impressed. “if I wanted her to be called Georgie, I...
those future kids I tell you about,
well I want you to be their father. that’s a big thing for me to say, I used to say I don’t want kids, because my dad was a failure to me and I don’t want my own kids to go through the same but I love you. I trust you. I believe in you. one day you are going to be an awesome dad, I see it. the way you play with your neice, and take care of your brother it’s just so freaking...
someone showed interest in me
and I ran away. I ran so fast.
I’m sorry perfectly nice boy. but my heart is taken, and the other boy won’t give it back. you don’t have his same friendly smile, quirky laugh and warm presence.
I wish I could give you a chance. I wish my heart would allow. but I’ve dug myself so far in a hole. and maybe I’m a masochist afterall.
all I know is that right now is not...
well,
I’m going to ask him to prom. It’s got to happen, and I have a chance. I don’t want to regret never asking him and taking the chance to be his lucky date.
hopefully he says yes. god, that would make my whole high school career. I praying he says yes, we are best friends after all…..
you get me so high
then you let me fall. fall. fall. I’m your best friend…you can be yourself around me. we are eachother’s missing puzzle piece. you know it. don’t deny that feeling. no boy will ever match what we have, I know you agree. When I look in you eyes I literally see my future it becomes so much clearer when you smile when your warm embrace swallows my body I see us getting married...