I never win.

College started with a bang. I was stead fast in ridding mac from my life, I was going to move on. First there was Wes, He seemed to like me and he was a gentleman. I started to focus my attention on him but he never replies to my texts. Now he has dropped our one class together. awesome. Wes, however, in my mind seemed to be becoming overshadowed by Kyle. Kyle is cute in every way possible and is so sweet. I’ve started to actually like him, but Samantha has taken him from me. Its not her fault and I am in no way mad at her. I’m mad at myself. I wish I was as beautiful and funny and lovable like she is. 

Mostly I’m mad that, no matter what I do, I can’t shake mac. Just yesterday in class we sat so close that we were touching. I couldn’t concentrate on the projector, I wanted to concentrate on his body touching mine. I wanted to savor that moment. I feel like our bodies will never touch more than that. but I want more. I would fucking compromise my morals for him, I would give him anything he wants. I can’t refuse him. Samantha tells me to ignore him, stop doing favors for him. It’s not that easy. I want Mac to love me and I don’t want him to go without something I could help him with. As soon as I help him though, he walks away and I still beg for him to come back. 

fuck. I don’t know what to do. I still love him, alot. Maybe I’m more addicted than ever.