Mac, I couldn’t live in a world without you.

I don’t think you quite realize what you did to me. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF. I thought I would wake up and hear I was in a world where you no longer lived. The things you said were not a joke. I’m still not 100% sure you won’t take your life. I’m literally worried sick, completely sick. I have a headache, constant butterflies, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Mac, I told my mom because I was I so worried. You know I don’t talk to her! I cried in the fucking Apple Store bathroom. I talked to your mom. I had a nightmare that you were dead. You think you are so alone, but you aren’t.

I love you Mac. I love you more than any of these fucking boys who leave you. If you took your life, I would probably end up taking my own. or die in grief. My world would collapse. I’m sobbing just thinking about it. Don’t let Justin do this to you. I would passionately hate him for the rest of my life if he made you kill yourself. 

I wish when I was on the phone with your mom, that my mom wasn’t around. I would have told your mom that I have been in love with you since the end of 8th grade. That I want to take care of you. That I would never leave you. That I would die if you died. I wish I was enough to make you feel full. I wish  I was special enough to keep you breathing. 

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I’ve said it many many times before, but if this feeling isn’t true love, I don’t think I can bare true love. Joanie and I have one big thing in common, we both love Mac with all that we have. We are both his “number one fans”. Maybe that was Joanie’s way of saying she knows I love Mac.

I don’t see myself loving again like I love Mac. It seems impossible. God help me. Is Mac in my plan? Will this be worth it in the end or just another tragic love story?

I just want to feel ok tonight.