-
A simple sad piano piece by evanescence. weird how this song evokes so much emotion in me that I can’t stand to listen to it more than once. usually I break down in tears or hold back my crying because I’m in the presence of others. I know people don’t remember my strong memory associated with the song, I know people don’t understand it’s deeper meaning to me. One of my most vivid memories includes this sorry melody.
It was 8th grade, I was only 14 years old. I was at the long awaited 8th grade dinner dance, dressed up for a dance for the first time in a tee length black dress the featured baby pink polka dots. I felt oh so pretty and I was oh so happy feeling oh so grown up. There was only one upset to the evening, and it ripped out my heart at the time. He was tall, lanky, had white blonde hair and a smile filled with metal but I thought he was so cute. I wanted to be Tyler’s date to the dance, but my “friend” had taken him from me. I was, not for the only time, dateless at the dance while the boy I liked had another girl at his side.
I remember at our cafeteria turned cruise ship dance, that they didn’t play a lot of slow songs. It seemed to be party all the time. Then I remember perfectly, standing at the edge of the dance floor partying when suddenly “my immortal” lulled out of the speakers. I saw Kristen draw Tyler close, seemingly on purpose, right in front of me. I walked off to sit in one of the hard maroon seats outlining the dance floor. I stared over at my friends all slow dancing with their dates, and took a particularly long glance over at Tyler. Tears started to prickle the back of my eyes and soon little tears were escaping me. Suddenly, a hand reached out in front of my blurring eyes and I looked up to see to whom the hand belonged, it was none other than Mac. He had a sympathetic look in his eyes and said nothing, so I nodded and took his hand. We swayed back and forth just a couple dancing 8th graders away from Kristen and Tyler and I glanced over at them at first, envious I was still not with Tyler. Then something pulled me out of my longing gaze, I heard a beautiful voice softly singing down at me and I turned back and looked up into Mac’s eyes. It was the first time I felt safe with Mac. I had a warm feeling inside that I never felt for Tyler, I was okay. I held Mac tighter and smiled contentedly.
When the song came to an end and I was brought back to reality, I can still see in my mind’s eye, Samantha, in her pink dress, gushing about how lucky I was that I danced with Mac. I let go of Mac’s shoulders immediately, embarrassed that I had just danced in public with a boy. Did everyone know what I was thinking? Did they feel what I felt? Did they know that suddenly Tyler didn’t matter anymore? Did they knew that I now had a crush on Mac? I didn’t say anything and walked back to our table and took a drink of pop just to not feel so exposed.
That was the beginning of a lot of hurt and shit in my life. Mac started it. My immortal chronicles it. It started a war with Sarah, It started a battle with myself. The war with Sarah may be over five years later, and of course I survived, but I did not emerge without battle scars and to this day I still wrestle and war with myself over him. Over Mac, a mere boy who, once upon a time, saved me from loneliness and hurt by dancing with me. He was and still is worth it to me though. He is worth my own life. I do, however, wish that 19 year old me could tell 14 year old me to be careful, to not trust so easily, to not play with my heart so foolishly. I would never wish Mac out of my life, no matter how many tears he caused, documented here and in various diaries. Mac will continue to be one of the best people in my life. He still brings me so much light and happiness. Even if we never end up together in the end as I want, I will always love him and he will always be in my heart. All of this starting with a simple dance to a little slow song, be careful, 14 year old self, the simplest things can change your life forever.
