Dear Daddy,

I love you. I really do. You are my father, how could I hate you? Why does mommy constantly tell me to not trust you, to not want to be with you, to above all hate you?

I wish you two never split up, I wanted that perfect family. I remember I was probably only 5 when I learned about devorce on TV. You and my mom acted the same way those parents did. I remember once you were fighting and I ran to my room and cried. I thought you would devorce right then. Most nights I would walk down to my grandparents to sleep, so I wouldn’t have to worry if you were fighting in the night. I learned that at a young age, ignorance, when it comes to stuff like you two fighting, truely is bliss.

The day before your guys’ big fight was probably my last happy day at home. The day of your fight is burned in my mind, I know you probably didn’t want me there for it, but crap happens. You two started screaming, about what? I still don’t know. I do, however, remember the sound of you pushing my mother into the wall. I remember crying, sitting under our big fish tank, like that little spot could protect me from the mess around me. You grabbed my brother, who was only three and told me to come with you, that you were going to the children’s museum. Mom cried at me not to go with him, to stay with her, but I was seven years old, I wasn’t going to miss my opprotunity. so I left my mother in that moment, I’ll never forget the look on her face. I remember when we came home you were down the street at your parent’s house, my refuge for so many years. Mom was sitting on the steps as I walked in the door, she hugged me and told me you guys were splitting up. Me, my brother and Mom all stayed there that night. When I got off the bus the next day you were gone.

From that point on, Mom tried to instill in my mind that you were prue evil. Even with you gone there was still screaming fights over the phone. The thing that probably hurt the most was in those early years was I wasn’t allowed to see you, I didn’t have a choice. I saw you and Grandma on Christmas day, the end. I felt cheated. Not only did I not have a mommy and daddy in the same house, I had to pretend you didn’t exist. It hurt when the topic of mommy and daddy came up in class, because my dad was a bad person. You weren’t even put on my emergency forms, it was like she would rather me die than have you come and get me. It hurt so much. I realized later in life you had no custody of me and my brother.

Then Mom got a new boyfriend. I had a new ”daddy” in my life. I hated him. I wanted you back. This new “daddy” WAS evil. I don’t know why she realized so late, he tried to legitamently kill us, Daddy!! He yelled at mom, red faced and his eyes all crazy, it’s burned into my mind. He hit mom on a daily basis, he yelled at me for things as dumb as singing in the car. He would grab my arm and hurt me, screaming bloody murder. How this dog was better than you, I will never understand.

Over the years we started to see you more, mom, legally, had less of a say. I never let people know how much your fighting and the fact you didn’t love each other anymore bothered me. If I remained stone-faced no one would ask me questions, I had no chance of showing my emotions and crying. Whenever I hear kids talking about how their parents devorce doesn’t bother them, I worry. Because, I know they are hiding just as much as I am. They want a happy family that is all together again. Devorce really puts a kid through it. I know I’m messed up for love for the rest of my life. I trust no boy execept for one, whom I hope you can one day formally meet. Even today with you fighting once again, I stood there sad, flashing back to the infinite times we have sat in this same situation. I wish I was as lucky as some of my friends whose parents work through their disagreements, or just rarely if ever fight. When they complain about their families I just want to scream and punch them, tears fill my eyes and in that moment I HATE them. Those kids will NEVER know my pain, sure someday they might, heaven forbid, end up in a devorce, but they will never know it from their childrens’ perspective. They will never know how much it tears you up inside.

and as far as my future goes, I live in fear that I will do the same to my children. I don’t want to marry anyone who I have even the shadow of a doubt about. I don’t want to have children right away, just in case something happens between me and my husband. like pink says “I don’t want love to destroy me the way it destroyed my family.” The last thing I want is for my children is a childhood similar to mine. I want my children to grow up without a care, I want them to have a mommy and daddy who love eachother as much as they love them.

Daddy, I’m sure this is what you wanted too. But obviously we can’t always predict the future. I just wish things had ever became civil between you and mom. Can’t we just pretend, can we go back to my childhood and try to fix things? because even 11 years later I’m still not over it.

love,
your daughter.