I don’t hate you.

I hate your lies. and I hate the things you hide from me. I know you are probably just trying to not hurt me. I know that you know that I like you. I know you’re deciding to play with my heart and not let me know your true feelings because you’d rather have one devoted TRUE friend than none. I know you don’t reciprocate any of my feelings so maybe I’m the stupid one, hanging around and hoping for the hopeless. I hate myself for allowing me to keep this relationship up. I’m your “best friend” but you can’t tell me that you went to your ex’s prom, with your ex as your date????? alright. last time I checked you hated him, but it’s whatever. I wish I could get out of this. I wish I could just get over you. you know how many times I’ve told myself I’m done with you and that I wouldn’t come back? You know how many times I’ve said that but as soon as I saw your face I was right back to square one? you know how tiring and depressing this is for me. It’s a daily struggle that I don’t need. It’s a struggle I never wanted, and now I’m in too deep to crawl my way out. I’m stuck. I’m addicted. She can tell me as many bad things about you that she can spit, purely venemous things and all I’ll want is a drink. What has happened to me? Why is God doing this to me? Love is soposed to be something wonderful, beautiful. I see all these cute couples everywhere, it seems like everybody out there has someone to love them. Not me though. Here I sit, stuck in my hole, loving you, and not fully understanding why. Why am I still in love with you after all these years? I remember the night I really fell for you like it was yesterday. I remember in 8th grade starting to form a cute little crush on you, it was nothing dangerous, it was nothing serious. And then you danced with me. You sang my immortal into my ear and I never forgot. It was that moment that something in my mind clicked about you. Something told me at that young age that there was something right about that moment. Now look at us, 5 years later, we signed up for two of the same college courses today. I’m letting this deadly cycle continue, because you can’t seem to get enough of draining the life and love out of me and I can’t get enough of your intoxicating games. I’ve never thought that it would come to this for us. I need to leave to you. I need to sever the ties. I had my chance today and I just couldn’t do it. As pathetic as it sounds, I can’t live without you. I love you so much but I’ve gotten so tired of trying, and it’s left me so lonely. It’s left me feeling completely worthless. I find myself wishing for someone to come into my life and love me. Someone to erase you from my mind. I hate myself everyday I let myself see you and still be in love. I just will never understand why you don’t feel the same pull to me as I do to you. I’ve been told that I’d be the one that could “turn you around”, be the girl you are really meant to be with. It’s a nice thought, and I’d like to believe it but I literally hurt from trying to show you my love. and there you sit, uneffected for sure, with your lies, secrets and games all charmingly diguised behind a heartbreakingly beautiful smile and our amazing friendship.