“Are you sexually attracted to boys?…

Like I know you’re attracted to boys, but like do you ever think sex?”

I got asked this question tonight and I’m not quite sure how to take it. Do I seem that immature? Hell, I look at him almost everyday and at some point I’m thinking sex. I’m a normal hormonal teenage girl. I long for the feeling of a man’s touch more than people would think. I’ve just been stunted in innocence waiting literally through all of high school for him to so much as give me a hug. So while girls spent the night with their boyfriends, feeling that pleasure, feeling that love, I sat at home dreaming, hoping and waiting for my turn. That turn never came. So I remained in the mind frame of a middle schooler sexually. This year though I matured a lot sexually without the help of a boyfriend. Something happened within me, now I hunger for that need to be satisfied. I’m scared that it never will be.

I’ve dug myself a hole I can’t get out of. I want to cry for help, but I know no one can hear me from so far down. I’ve tried but everyone seems to reach at the surface, I need someone brave enough to venture down and grab my hand. I’m not entirely sure that person exists though. I know it’s time for moving on, I can’t keep hurting myself like this, but he’s all I have right now. I know he is never going to love me, I know I will never get my fantasy of us married with beautiful children. It hurts to know I will always be his best friend, second always to his lovers. I’ve screwed myself up pretty bad over the years trying to be an exception. I held on to a whole lot of nothing. I beat myself up mentally. I let myself wither physically. I lost all of my confidence. I’ve been my own worst enemy all thoughout. I need to move on, I owe it to myself, but I don’t know how to get over him, I don’t know how to walk away. He will haunt me my entire life. God, how did I ever let him this far under my skin? this was never soposed to last. I wish I could wake up and my heart be free of all of this pain and suffering. I hope I get to see my mom’s theapist about tornadoes, so that maybe I can tell her I have other problems that need ironed out. I may just need professional help, because I can’t keep hurting myself like this.

he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me. he will never love me.

maybe if I continue to repeat that my brain will finally believe it. I want to move on so bad. I hate being stuck here. My heart, however, is not ready to let go.