I wonder if my mother knew

that when she gave birth to me that I would do wonderful things acedemically. That I would have a lovely singing voice, that I would have a talent for dancing, that I would have a passion for culture and I would never grow out of reading and horses. I wonder if she knew I would be so short but so full of life. I wonder if she knew I would love to play with computers and technology and that I would go through obsessive phases through middle and high school. I wonder if she knew I would love pink and anything that sparkles. I wonder if she knew I would love to eat my fruits and vegitables and hang out in the pool all day.

but I also wonder if she knew the pain that would come my way in life. That I would be 18 years old and lonely as ever, never having been so much as kissed. I wonder if she knew I would have crazy body issues and problems with food and that I wouldn’t ever think that I am beautiful. I wonder if she knew I would feel ignored, unwanted and unloved. I wonder if she knew I would fall in love with that wonderful boy she’s dreamed of..but that boy would end up gay. I wonder if she knew that this would send me into 5 years of digging myself a hole, leaving me stuck and desperately clawing for a way out. Desperately looking for someone to hold me and take me away from this hell.

that’s why I won’t tell her any of my misery. I don’t want her to know she was right.