I think I’ve figured it out. and I think I’m screwed.

I’m lonely. I repeated that simple phrase millions of times. bleeding it throughout all of my posts. I’ve been so confused and my heart has been very misleading. I thought that I was simply lonely. That any boy could walk into my life, tell me I’m beautiful, tell me they love me and that would be it. I would accept them willingly, let them plant kisses from my forehead to my neck, let them linger gently on my lips. I would be in love. I would feel suddenly whole. I would, most importantly, forget him.

I’ve spent the past months staring at boys, lusting for some of their bodies or wanting to hear about their lives. I’ve felt the need for their approval. I’ve wanted them to pursue me…or so I thought. If one of these boys made a step towords me, a step closer to fufilling the need I thought was inside of me, I’d get the equivalent to the uh-oh feeling, become completely flustered and bolt.

but when he and I were together we ended up fake making out. My body on the floor, pressed against his in the most intimate of positions. His hands supporting my back, his face so close I could feel his breath. In that fleeting moment, looking in his eyes I realized something. I felt safe, but I also felt a burning, not the familer burn of embarassment and insecurity, that is accompanied with the uncomfortable tighting of my chest prompting my run. No, it was a yearning, a want, no need for this not to be fake. To look in his eyes and see a returned passion, a need for his lips on mine, our hands roaming, tangling in eachother’s hair, learning eachother’s bodies. I wanted to be wrapped securely in his passion. There, however, was no such hidden yearning in his eyes.

It was then that it hit me. I’m not lonely for just any male touch and company. I’m not refusing these people because I’m not mature enough for a relationship like I thought. My mind and heart weren’t sending near as complicated signals. I’m not scared of these other boys. My body is terrified to move on. My heart knows what it wants. I’m lonely for him. not these other boys. I’m never going to fill this feeling of loneliness and rejection because it can’t be filled by any guy off the street. This emptiness can only be filled by him.

now I’m legitematly terrifed and I’m almost certain that he is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I’m never going to be with him. I’m going to find a man to marry me but I’m going to be thinking of him. These have been a tough 5 years to end up here, at this final realization. I would have never guessed that he could cause me so much pain, especially unintentionaly. I wish I could go back in time and tell 8th grade me to run away, far away from him before he could cause this permanent damage.

how could such a simple middle school crush grow and completely consume my heart and damage me beyond repair? I feel drained and depressed. I’ve held hope for so long, but it’s time to let go. I just have to understand their is no getting over him, and that no matter where I am in the future, I’ll want him by my side, but he won’t be the one standing with me. I’ll live with him on my mind and in my heart, but I’ll let him go. and Maybe I’ll always live with this lonely feeling inside for him. A hole he will never be willing to fill.